Finding Will
Over the past few weeks, I have had the same conversation in different formats, over and again. It usually starts something like this:
“I don’t know what is wrong with me. I have no motivation for anything. I have gained so much weight, lost all interest in everything. I am always tired, too.”
What follows is then often a conversation about how relaxing and recharging, or self-care differs from taking care of oneself. For example, a hot bath and a nice cup of tea are wonderful to take care of oneself if one has been running around all week without a moment of quiet at home. But after having spent the better part of a year only at home, that hot bath may actually call up sadness and despondency: another evening spent alone at home.
In order to figure out what recharges us, though, we need to first take a good, honest look at ourselves. We need to observe what it is that usually recharges our batteries, interests us, peaks our interest. We need to be honest with ourselves about what it is that we want vs. what is really good for us, or in other words, what we really need. As I keep pointing out: I may want a piece of cake for dessert every day, but I may only need it occasionally – or maybe never at all.
Photo by John Moeses Bauan on Unsplash
Now, after having spent that better part of a year at home, one might imagine that we are all really good at introspection; but I would argue that we aren’t. Just being alone doesn’t do it. Introspection – the good kind, the kind that allows us to really grow and become better people in some shape or form – actually takes a lot of conscious effort. Here is what it takes:
Observation Skills: We all know that there is a difference between listening and actually hearing – or looking at something and actually seeing it. And yet, when it comes to our soul life, we rarely seem to know the difference. We may have a vague experience of a thought or image flashing through our mind, but we don’t really listen or ask “what is this really about?” To go back to the cake example: when someone has an urge to have a piece of cake, the usual response is either go for it or no way, I am way too <blank> already. By applying observational skills however, a person may realize that they want that cake every time a certain feeling comes up, maybe sadness, or fear. And they may find out that this particular connection – fear = cake – is actually something that is related to a memory. Then this insight creates a new possibility for positive change.
Honesty: Honesty is not the same as just shouting out everything we feel. Honesty has to do with an inner connection to truth. In order to be honest – with ourselves and others – we need to ask: is this really true, not just right now, but in general? So, back to the cake: the person might want to ask themselves if it is really true that this piece of cake would help with dealing with the fear – and don’t be too quick to laugh and think: of course not. Maybe there is, for that person, a deep, visceral connection between the smell and flavour of their favourite cake and a memory of warmth and love surrounding them. This memory may then alleviate the fear. So, the truth may be that grandmother’s apple cake does help with the fear, but not every cake does. And that may mean that in all honesty, this piece of store-bought chocolate cake will not do anything – but maybe baking grandma’s apple cake would….?
Will: This last part is the most difficult of all. There are so many myths about our will: we should be able to just “muster it”; it will “come when it’s right”; or alternatively, “if we just put will into it, anything is possible”. But it isn’t that easy, is it? With some observation (yes, back to point 1), you may realize that will is best harvested or accessed if what we do is in some sort of alignment with the truth (and yes, back to point 2). Speaking in the cake analogy: once the person has realized that there is truth to the idea that cake will banish the fear – but not any cake, only grandma’s apple cake that is connected to the memory of safer days – actually getting up and making that cake won’t be as difficult as, for example, cooking a healthy meal, just because we read / heard / think we need to eat a healthy meal. And, if the understanding of the benefits of a healthy meal really becomes a conscious awareness of the truth of our body needing this kind of nourishment to feel good, making that meal won’t be as difficult either.
This is, of course, a very basic explanation of something that is a bit more complicated. Learning to really see what we are looking at, be it a flower, a piece of art, or another human being, takes practice. We don’t practice this much in our society. Ours is a life of quick impressions, mounds of information, and the constant ticking away of oh so precious minutes. Too often, taking some of those precious minutes to look at a flower or really listen to another person seems like a waste.
Lately it seems that truth – and with it honesty – have vanished from our collective consciousness. If observation takes time, connecting what we see and hear together and observing how it stands in the world, takes effort and self-restraint. We need to allow for the possibility of something to be difficult or ugly or frightening; and we need to be willing to face that which may not be easy but true.
Without taking the time and effort to truly observe and connect to truth, our will remains either blocked or forced – which then results in this feeling of lack of motivation or stuckness. Maybe the fact that so many of us are finding ourselves in this place right now, says as much about our outer circumstances, as it does about our inner ability to connect to our active will.
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